Winter survived

Posted: tirsdag 20 april, 2010 by Tarald in My transition, Psychiatry
Tags:

I have sirvived the winter. Haven’t been blogging lately. My new book is out and have recieved good reviews.

I am still not over my love from last year, but the relationship ended in september. We don’t talk, we don’t meet, but all the same I still think of him as the man of my life. He doesn’t love me and I should get over him.

I have no work. I have good friends and a good family. My professional writing life is moving on. And I am a mess. I am trying to figure out why.

The breakup is a big part of it. Also the tiresome process of getting all the letters so I can go and have my operation in Thailand (removal of breasts, ovaries and uterus). The latest news is that I need a letter from a gynecologist stating that my female internal parts are healthy. I don’t understand why. And I am pissed for them bringing this up now.

I am so extremely tired of living in a personal gender-limbo. I have been since 2006, so maybe it is just natural to be tired. I am just not sure how long I can keep hanging in here. My energy is mostly at an all time low.

In preparation for my surgery (allthough the date is still in the blue), I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. It went better than expected. I am feeling more, writing more and much less stable. I can go from sitting on top of the world feeling like superman to being tired of it all and not seeing any point in going on. Exhausting.

I fear that my depressions and instability may not be related to my gender issues – that it is something I just have to live with for the rest of my life. It scares me. I also fear that the process of getting the neccessary treatment in regard to gender has hurt me permanently. In my dark moments I think my experience with the Norwegian gender clinic (GID-klinikken) has made me a worse person than I was. That it has destroyed my trust in people and institutions. That it has left me unable to show compassion. And so on. I am loosing hope despite the fact that a possible date of surgery is getting closer than ever. The feeling of hopelessness takes over. I am not sure there is a point to this. I am not sure if my existence makes a difference, or maybe it makes a difference to the worse.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. He is the one person I know who could drag me out of my selfish, self-made hell. I miss talking to him. I miss the sex. I miss seeing his beautiful face. I miss hearing his voice. I am not telling him this. If it should be possible for us at some point to be friends, I can’t tell him how I feel now.

I feel like shit for not feeling that my daughter is reason enough for living. But when I am really down I listen to the people who thinks that  having a transgender parent is hurtful to children. Even though I know it is not true. And besides; guilt is a lousy reason to stay alive. Guilt for how she would feel if I died is not enough to keep fighting to be her parent.

And there it is again: I am tired of fighting. I am tired of defending myself and my own rights. I wish someone would do it for me, but I know no one will. A part of me really wants to give up, call it a day.

But I think living is a (bad) habit that I have become too used to, maybe addicted. So I am not going to kill myself. Writing this blogpost is actually a sign of things getting better. The months from January to april is blurred in my mind. I have not been taking care of myself. Applications not written, reports not sent, bills payed very sloppy. So now when my energy is occationally somewhat higher, there is an economical mess to take care of and it overwhelms me.

And please; no sympathy. Strategies for dealing accepted. No expression of joy to be expected.

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Kommentarer
  1. Jacky V. sier:

    Fair enough, no sympathy offered. I don’t know how good of a strategy it is but the way I survived my darkest times (in my early 20s) was through rage. I was so pissed at the system that was keeping me down that I saw it as a kind of warfare and I wasn’t going to let the fuckers win. I *did* come close to giving up though at one point. A spider came along and cheered me up in the middle of the night though and I decided to hang on one more day. Then I got busy, and I stayed angry long enough to get me through what I need to get through.

  2. Tarald sier:

    Thanks for your comment.
    That is how I have survived so far. But after fighting these four years, almost constantly it feels, I am tired of being angry, tired of fighting. A part of me tells me that it is enough now. That there is a limit for how much a human can take.
    I fought for the conviction that I was a person worth living. But now I hva lost that. I am broken, ruined. There is nothing left to fight for.
    I’ve aslo fought for others more or less like me. But now I feel that I can’t fight for anyone else when I can’t give them any hope. I fear thet I have startedd spreading hopelessness instead of spreading hope. It is a terrible feeling.

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