Winter survived

I have sirvived the winter. Haven’t been blogging lately. My new book is out and have recieved good reviews.

I am still not over my love from last year, but the relationship ended in september. We don’t talk, we don’t meet, but all the same I still think of him as the man of my life. He doesn’t love me and I should get over him.

I have no work. I have good friends and a good family. My professional writing life is moving on. And I am a mess. I am trying to figure out why.

The breakup is a big part of it. Also the tiresome process of getting all the letters so I can go and have my operation in Thailand (removal of breasts, ovaries and uterus). The latest news is that I need a letter from a gynecologist stating that my female internal parts are healthy. I don’t understand why. And I am pissed for them bringing this up now.

I am so extremely tired of living in a personal gender-limbo. I have been since 2006, so maybe it is just natural to be tired. I am just not sure how long I can keep hanging in here. My energy is mostly at an all time low.

In preparation for my surgery (allthough the date is still in the blue), I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. It went better than expected. I am feeling more, writing more and much less stable. I can go from sitting on top of the world feeling like superman to being tired of it all and not seeing any point in going on. Exhausting.

I fear that my depressions and instability may not be related to my gender issues – that it is something I just have to live with for the rest of my life. It scares me. I also fear that the process of getting the neccessary treatment in regard to gender has hurt me permanently. In my dark moments I think my experience with the Norwegian gender clinic (GID-klinikken) has made me a worse person than I was. That it has destroyed my trust in people and institutions. That it has left me unable to show compassion. And so on. I am loosing hope despite the fact that a possible date of surgery is getting closer than ever. The feeling of hopelessness takes over. I am not sure there is a point to this. I am not sure if my existence makes a difference, or maybe it makes a difference to the worse.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. He is the one person I know who could drag me out of my selfish, self-made hell. I miss talking to him. I miss the sex. I miss seeing his beautiful face. I miss hearing his voice. I am not telling him this. If it should be possible for us at some point to be friends, I can’t tell him how I feel now.

I feel like shit for not feeling that my daughter is reason enough for living. But when I am really down I listen to the people who thinks that  having a transgender parent is hurtful to children. Even though I know it is not true. And besides; guilt is a lousy reason to stay alive. Guilt for how she would feel if I died is not enough to keep fighting to be her parent.

And there it is again: I am tired of fighting. I am tired of defending myself and my own rights. I wish someone would do it for me, but I know no one will. A part of me really wants to give up, call it a day.

But I think living is a (bad) habit that I have become too used to, maybe addicted. So I am not going to kill myself. Writing this blogpost is actually a sign of things getting better. The months from January to april is blurred in my mind. I have not been taking care of myself. Applications not written, reports not sent, bills payed very sloppy. So now when my energy is occationally somewhat higher, there is an economical mess to take care of and it overwhelms me.

And please; no sympathy. Strategies for dealing accepted. No expression of joy to be expected.

The wonderful Norwegian social security…

It is supposed to be the best in the world. I you get sick, you have the right to treatment and only have to pay little of it. If you pay most of the travel, you can choose hospital. Unless you have an illness that is rare. Then it is only possible to get treatment at one place. There might be just one doctor in the country who is allowed to treat you. So what if ze doesn’t want to treat you? Then you are screwed. Les videre

Too much of a man

At least in my testosterone levels, way more than normal for a nontrans-man. That may explain why I got my period back when I increased my testosterone to full dose. So I decided to reduce my dose by half. I also got thyroid problems again. I got hyperthyreosis after I gave birth to my daughter four years ago, got treatment and was pronounced well again two years ago.

I fear that the endocrinologist will tell me to stop T. I have no intention to do that.

I’ve now been on T for 4 months and 4 days. My body is a lot hairier, but very little in the face. My hairline is not withdrawing. I don’t want to loose my hair, just want to have a male hairline. My facial skin is rougher and makes me look more male.

The only doctor who could help me get my operations has got a warning from the health authorities and may loose his license if he continues to help people. I’m very sad because of this. Now my only hope is that my complaint against the GID-clinic will be heard, by the same authorities who believe in two and only two genders/sexes and that to remove breasts is a sin against humanity. Or something similar. I don’t understand their «reasoning».

Standards of Care (SOC)

Until recently, I’ve believed that if the Norwegian Gender Clinic would just use the Standarsds of Care provided by WPATH, everything would be fine. I’ve thought that the SOC is ok. In my reading of the SOC I’ve only marked the parts that the gender clinic doesn’t follow.

Then I read Cedars post at Taking up too much space and realise that the SOC really can be used to defend the basic ideology at the gender clinic:

1)Procedures, not transition, not identity. There’s an almost universal assumption that these standards of care are in case a patients decides to “change hir mind” about transitioning. Putting aside of the implications of protecting trans people from themselves for a moment, transition regret is a red herring. No medical procedure can force you to live in a particular gender permanently. If I’ve been on estrogen for 10 years, have bottom surgery, facial surgery, the works, and decide I want to live as a man again? I start taking T, bind my tits, pack, and it’s no big deal. Yeah, it kinda sucks for me, but I’m not really any worse off than a female assigned at birth transsexual man (and, in fact, my situation would be remarkably similar to his).

–The point is, your informed consent is *not* about “being” a man or a woman (which no one can really truly understand in advance), it’s about the effects on your body (which, while variable, are fairly predictable). If I want an orchi, I need to be willing to take either estrogen or testosterone for the rest of my life, and be willing to either store sperm or not have more biological kids–and what gender I plan on living as in the future is fairly irrelevant.

Les videre