What if I was born with a male body?

Cheerful Megalomaniac wrote earlier today: «I have to be honest, I wish with all my heart that I could have just been a normal guy, but I know that if I had been a normal guy, I probably would have been an entirely different person… and I kinda like me how I am.»

That reminded me of some things people have told me, like jokes, but serious deep down:

  • «If you had a penis, you’d be at home wanking all day long», my ex-boyfriend used to say – yeah, I guess. In stead I’m involving myself in queer politics, writing and a lot of other more productive activities.
  • «You know that you can get away with that just because you’re a girl? If I did that, people would think I was a misogynist macho-prick», a friend of mine said. – I’m afraid it’s true. I do a lot of things that are considered cool for a woman to do or say, but a sign of less intelligence if a man does it. And now I have to re-think some of my habits and ways of expression. If I’d been born a boy physically, I guess I’d never had to think about this stuff, and I would probably be really unconcious towards sexism.
  • I also have some typically male flaws that get balanced by my female upbringing.

I actually don’t think I would have been a very nice person if my body matched my soul and mind from the start. As I’m getting older, I’m beginning to like who I am. After I started my new life as a man, I feel more secure, happier and more social. I’ve gotten new friends who I love, and my few old friends have gotten closer. There’s also many things that I would never fully apreciated, things I would have taken for granted, if my body had been right from the start.

After all, I’m not really sure if I would have been born any other way. I would have been a very different person. Being male in a female body is quite a big part of what makes me into me. And I am learning to like the person I’ve become. Sometimes I’m actually happy.

God makes no mistakes – kind of a sermon

I usually avoid reading stuff that I know I’ll find repulsive, sick and frightening. I don’t think that’s unusual for any person. To make this post I felt forced to do some research.

I started out googleing the phrase «God makes no mistakes», because I’ve come across it several times in relation to transsexualism. I had the notion that it’s being used as an excuse for christians to judge transgender people.This is some of what I found: (WARNING: Do not click those links unless you are over the age of 18 and have access to valium or other sedatives)

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/february/26.56.html
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/february/25.54.html

“If you talk to your typical person across America, they would be appalled,” she said. “God made us male and female, and God makes no mistakes. To teach a child at an early age self-hatred, and that’s what this gender variance is, is very sad.” Andrea Lafferty, executive director of The Traditional Values CoalitionIn short, the argument is that transsexualism should not be cured, because it’s against God’s will. He supposedly created the body, but not the mind and soul. And these people don’t seem to care if the only other option is to kill oneself, although I thought that to be against God’s will as well?

Of course, there’s several problem with such an argument, the inhumanity already mentioned. Does God only create our bodies and not our minds and souls? Is He stuck in the middle ages or in the year his son was born on earth? Is He really evil?

I’ve never questioned God’s existance. I’ve been brought up in the Norwegian church with the notion that God loves everybody, that He is pure love and that He has not left us to our selves. And I’ve kept that conviction through some pretty dark years of my life. I did at some point question if He really is good. With all the people doing evil in His name, I have wondered if they might be right; maybe God really is evil. But they never managed to convince me.

I believe in a God who is pure love, a God who made the human race in His image to reflect His own magnitude and diversity, a God who knows so much more than we do – everything. We have no way of knowing for sure how He thinks.

To put oneself in a position to judge the moral and christianity of other humans and to think oneself able to lable other people’s faith as wrong, is to put oneself in the position of God. Jesus told us to recognize wrong teaching for it’s fruits. What would he make of the trace of suicides and grief that follow in the trace of so-called conservative christians?

God sent His son Jesus Christ to our earth to re-establish the broken link between us and God. The conservatives try to push people away from God because of who we are and who we love. For their own sake, I hope and pray that they have no idea of what they are doing and may be forgiven when they realize what they are doing.

I’ve listened to so many people struggeling with their faith in God after being told that God only loves the heterosexual or the single-sexed. They experience every day how «fellow christians» try to exclude them from the love of God and manage to take away their ability to experience christian fellowship. I can’t see how this could possibly be in line with the Bible or the word of Jesus.

And what about the Holy Spirit? I believe in it’s guidance in every person’s life. The Bible is after all written by men, who we can only hope were guided by the Holy Spirit. God has not abandoned His creation and continues to create through people guided by the Holy Spirit.

Conservative «christians» seem to put themselves in the position of God and to reduce God to make Him resemble themselves. They claim to believe in a God they cannot see, but reduces people to bodies and biology. In their trace grows only death and despair. To me, this comes very, very close to blasphemy.

Let’s go back to the phrase that God makes no mistakes. No, I don’t think He does. I’m certainly not a mistake. So my body and mind/soul got a little mixed up and does not fit our present notion of only two sexes/genders, and that these doesn’t change with time. I don’t blame God. If there’s one thing He could not be held responsible for, it’s how we arrange our societies. I also believe that I’m placed in this position because I have a mission: To spread the word of a loving, accepting God and to speak up for a powerless group so that His will can be done on earth as in heaven. I do not say that this goes for all transsexuals and trangendered out there. I do recognize that not everyone believe in God or that He has a plan for their lives. I also know that I have more resources than most in so many ways, and I believe they are given to me so that I can help others. And I will do my best, so help me God.

(Although I’ve used the pronomen «he» about God, I believe Him to be above the two-gender system of our world. As a female to male transsexual, I do prefer the male pronomen in an attempt to set up some positive models of masculinity.)

Writing erotica

I’ve written enough erotic short stories to fill a book and I’m now searching for a publisher. Writing erotica seems to be a habit that goes in periods. I’ll write story after story for several months, and then suddenly I can’t do it any more.

It’s been some time since my last erotic period and I think it’ll soon be time for it. This post could be a way to renew my interest in the genre. I’ll explain how I write my stories and what I like about it.

Erotic short stories are what I call literature with a purpose. It’s supposed to turn people on. I think that’s the reason why the composition is quite strict and kind of classic. You have to raise the tension according to people’s arousal.

Maybe what I write would be considered porn, and I usually use that term for it, mainly because it seems more honest and fair. I’ve never understood the difference really.

In the magazine where I’ve gotten my stories published, they want stories of a higher literary level. They’re supposed to be both pornographic and literary at the same time. Now, that’s a challenge: How to write about sex without clishés? How to write a story with the purpose of turning people on, but make it a good story too? I love challenges!

Ususally I start off with the main character feeling really bad. His wife, girlfriend or boyfriend has left him, he’s lost his job or he’s experienced some ther kind of loss or defeat. Then he meets this man, often someone he knows, who he sees in a new way, and gets attracted to. Yes, my stories are usually gay, but some are also transgendered.

I need to use my own sexual fantasies, and that made me feel vulnerable in the beginning. That was back in 2004, when some friends asked why I didn’t write erotica, since a lot of my writings were about sex. So I started and really liked it. Now I don’t feel so vulnerable anymore. I’ve realized that my fantasies aren’t just mine, that other people have similar fantasies and that my stories can help them come to terms with their sexuality.

I’ve tried to write plain staright stories too, but they never work. There must be some gender bending involved, or at least some uncertainness around how the persons define themselves and their sexuality.

I’ve also tried to explore BDSM, but have given up. Some light bonding is ok, but everything else in that category is more of a turn off than a turn on. And then it is impossible for me to write sexy about it. The same goesfor fetishes. So my stories are kind of vanilla actually.

When I tell people that I write this kind of stories, they’ll often ask if I get inspiration from my own sex-life. I always disappoint them. I write about the sex that I can’t have or don’t get. And it works for me.

Want to see my secrets?

I’ve made a blog of taboos and secrets. The access is very limited because I don’t want anyone I know to read it (Fredrik is an exception, as usual). But if you have a wordpress-blog yourself and are absolutely sure you don’t know me or are getting to know me for at least the next decennium, then you could leave your user name in a comment and I’ll give you access.

The T.S.blog is where i write about sex and people I know, people I love and people I hate and about troubles that I otherwise don’t share with anyone.

I think it is good to get feedback from others on my most secret thoughts, and people who don’t know me are more likely toprovide a fresh view on things.

Do women have a harder time accepting transsexualism? And why?

This turned out to be the subject of a discussion with one of my mates the other day. He stated that many of the women he knows have negative responses to me being trans and «changing sex». He found this strange, because it’s common to assume that women in general are more relaxed  towards gays and lesbians. So you would think that they would feel the same way about trans-issues. But according to him they don’t.

Instead they react with fear and hostility. (I must mention that the women he referred to all have higher education and often don’t come forward as traditional women, some are rather masculine.)

We tried to analyze this reaction to try to figure out what causes it. We have previously talked about the fact that women discovering their partner to be trans*, tend to end the relationship more often than men in the same situation do. We then concluded that most women base their relationships on trust and honesty. A partner coming out as trans would then signify an emotional betrayal, that is very hard for a woman.

My friend said that this would be the case also when there’s no intimate relationship involved. I disagreed. I think the reasons lie deeper and has to do with how women identify themselves.

First of all, women are used to being identified by their sex much more often than guys. The women we know are more likely to have had issues with that growing up. My guess is that they’ve all been through a process of accepting their femaleness and fight for their right to be the way they are and still be women. They identify as feminists. I’ve been through that myself, but without the happy ending.

For most women, and especially the ones we know, sex and gender are at the core of a person’s identity and personality. I think that’s why women partners of transpeople take it harder than the men.

Second, the idea that one can change one’s sex reviels the insecurities of these women. My guess is that «What if I too…» is one of the first thoughts that goes through their minds. And then they feel they have to distance themselves from it. That someone transition from female to male becomes a threat to their own identity.

At the same time most men don’t seem tho have these issues. Of course, they don’t identify with their sex at the same level and do not feel compelled to do it. I must say that feminism and women’s liberation might have contributed to women identifying so deeply with their sex with the focus on sisterhood. I really don’t see how having a female body and identifying as a woman should mean that you have much in common with half the world’s population and ought to treat them as sisters. But that might be part of my trans-issues.

Anyway; men don’t identify with other men the same way. In this context it comes out as trans-positive. They don’t feel treatened, even if the case is a male to female transition. In addition, men are more likely to accept what they see instead of what they feel. In other contexts that can be a problem, but in this one it leads to accepting transpeople, at least when we pass or express gender in a way they can recognize.

I think that men often are being portrayed unnecessarily negative by some feminists. There are so many nice men out there, gay and straight, and I think they deserve more credit.

When I think about it, the women’s day is maybe not the best time to post this reflection. I do it anyway.