Why did it take me so long?

Aaron H. Devor has written an article called Witnessing and Mirroring: A Fourteen Stage Model of Transsexual Identity Formation in Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, 8 (1/2), 41-67. I recommend it. It’s well written and quite easy to understand.

The article got me thinking again about why I didn’t realize my transsexuality at a younger age. I try not to regret it, not to be bitter, but it’s hard. Time after time I was told at the Norwegian Gender Clinic, that if I just had realized throughout my childhood and at least puberty; then I would have fit the transsexual box. Then I would have gotten the treatment that I need. So why was I so stupid that I didn’t understand what was wrong with me?

1. Cildhood. Nobody ever tried to push me into a girl-role. I was just me and didn’t get much trouble for it.

2. Puberty. Too much happened at the same time in my life. My family moved when I was 12 and I didn’t make any friends. I’m still not sure as to why, but probably my failure to be a proper girl did have something to do with it, along with a lot of other reasons.

3. Books. So for the next 6 years I lived my life in the books. I forgot I had a body. That didn’t matter when reading anyway. A Norwegian author named Elin Brodin had a lot of «female» protagonists falling in love with gay men. I identified strongly with those «women» and bought their rejection of altering their bodies in any way. If they could live like that, I could too. As soon as I grew up and could move away to a city.

4. Sexual orientation. I always knew I liked guys. And for a long time my sexual identity overruled my gender identity. At the same time I was unable to see myself as a straight girl. I felt like a gay man, but everyone and everything told me that was untrue. All the transmen I saw in the media was really macho and presumably heterosexual. If I had to like girls to be a transsexual man, then I had to be a girl, although I didn’t feel like one. Thanks to Lukas for revealing that transmen can be gay too!

To deal with this I have two options:
1. To blame myself and my past. I should be angry at my parents for accepting me as a child, be angry at myself for taking refuge in the books and hating myself for being gay.
2. To blame the image for transsexuals that I was presented and still have to fulfill to get diagnosis and treatment.

I’ve always preferred outward anger to inward anger; hate the world rather than myself. Until I can get to a point of peace, I will continue so. Inward anger is the path to destroying myself. I refuse to blame myself for not having enough problems in my childhood and puberty. Outward anger is hopefully the path to destroying the GID-clinic and the narrow concept of transsexualism.

See also:

Reasons I once had not to transition

T-boy Jacky: I was never  tomboy

Matt Kailey

Reasons I once had not to transition (warning: sexist etc.)

1. A woman is a woman is a woman. The notion that your sex is your destiny. Biology is everything.

2. All women want to be men. Feminism is just a way to cover this up. Those who transition is just weak. All female femininity is just an act. We all have penis-envy.

Of course, this was true for me, but not everyone else – far from it.

3. A femalebodied person who wants to be a man and have issues with her body is just a victim of the patriarchy and the beauty industry. Feminism will teach her how to achieve inner peace.

4. Transsexual men are all heterosexual (as in attracted to women). That means I’m not transsexual. They are also very macho and into cars and beer. I’m an intellectual with a taste for white wine and books.

5. Transsexuals don’t have kids. Transmen would never be penetrated by another man, and certainly not in their vagina. I’ve no problems with that, and got a child that way. So I couldn’t possibly be trans.

6. Transsexuals verify gender roles and sterotypes. Of course, that was not my cup of tea.

7. A gay transman would be of no interest sexually to other gay men because he lacks a penis.

Happily this is not the case. Especially bi-sexual men seem to be more open and able to percieve you as you do youself. And even some gay men won’tbe discouraged by your lack of penis, or later; the size of the one you have.

8. The first words of a transsexual boy is «I’m a boy, not a girl. And I don’t like to wear dresses».

That last one still bothers me a bit, mostly because it seems to bother my therapists…

The rest of the reasons turned out to be misperceptions and bullshit. I really want to be out in every setting possible to prevent anyone from believing those half-truths, like I did for many years. I was misinformed, also by other transpeople, and it caused me a great deal of pain. It takes some effort not to be bitter about this. I really try.

I’ve discovered that the only thing of importance is that I percieve myself as a man and wants to be one. Transmen come in a great variety.