Transversal revisited

In 2013 I participated in a project that some art students in Trondheim had. They asked for contributions to a zine called Transversal with the theme gender and art. I always intended to post my contribution here, but never got around to it. Now I’m using the two poems in a little animation that I hope to exhibit with the Queer Artists here in Oslo in June. So it seems about time to finally publish the originals here.

Other contributors were BANG Magazine (SE), Ane Lan (NO), Karolina Bang (SE), Christine Jentoft (NO), Constanze Ruhm (DE), Tobias Bernstrup (SE), Kakan Hermansson (SE), Wencke Mühleisen (NO), Luca Dalen Espseth (NO), EVA & ADELE (DE), Kate Bornstein (US), Renate Lorenz & Pauline Boudry (DE), Yvonne P. Doderer (DE), Tiina Rosenberg (FI), Synnøve G. Wetten (NO), Deniz Akin (TR), Nevruz Ebru Aksu (TR), P*fect (SE), Andy Candy (SE), Stine H. B. Svendsen (NO), Ane Gabrielsen (NO), Roxy Farhat, EJ Hill & Sara Cromarty (SE/US), Fender Schrade (DE), og Micheline Bjernudd (SE).

(I’ve neglected my English speaking friends for too long, sorry. I chose to write this post in English also because the poems here are in English (for this occation at least).)

True love: Ben Cuevas

I’ve fallen in love. Fortunately, it’s the polyamorous kind of love towards art. When you see something and it fits perfectly in your mind. Like an image of something you could not describe yourself. The picture of a thought that had no form – until now. It’s a wonderful feeling.

My first love was Marit Victoria Wulff Andreassen with her drawing «Morning glory», that made the cover of my first collection of poetry, Framandkar. Then came Magritte’s «Boudoir», Frida Kahlo’s «The broken Column» , Lenora Carrington, and Nicholas Hlobo.

Now I’ve found Ben Cuevas.

«For this project I sat nude in a men’s locker room and knit myself a jock strap,» he writes on his blog. I just have to love a man who comes up with the idea and actually does it! And it doesn’t harm the performance that he looks very good… He has also knitted some genitals that I find quite familiar.

And his answer to the question «Do contemporary artists have to be naked to show their truth? No, but it’s more fun if they are!» made me laugh out loud.

An opening night

Last night I and some friends went to the opening of an art exhibition. The South African artist Nicholas Hlobo’s works can now be seen in the Museum of Contemporary Art in Oslo. I recommend it to everyone!

Madonna and me

Here I would insert the non-existing picture of me and the pop star.

Years ago, before I started my transition, I wrote a blog post in Norwegian with this same title. I had just heard Madonna state that she was a gay man in a woman’s body. I had also heard Annie Lennox statement about being reincarnated in her next life with a penis.

Both these statements by well known musicians made an overwhelming impact on me. At the time I knew I was gay and that my body felt weired, but I had not yet taken any steps to transition. I felt very alone, very depressed. I thought I was the only one feeling this way about gender and sexuality. All the transmen I’d heard of was very masculine and straight.

"Support your daughter’s believe that the world is flat"

No, that wasn’t what she said, the psychologist, but I will use it as an example to show how stupid I think it is. One of the parential tasks is to educate the child about the world. Children are newbies in the world, and although they have a stunning  capability of makeing sense of it, they do need guidance.

So when the child aproches you with a green ball and tell you that it is blue, you tell him/her that it looks more like blue to you. And maybe you show her a blue item so she can see the difference. Is this to be unsupportive? No, I don’t think so. Would it traumatize the child? Not very likely. What if I am colourblind? Then she would certainly get her misconceptions corrected by other people. We do not live isolated in a bubble.

When my daughter asked if I was a woman or a man, I replied that I am a man, because that is what I am. It takes time for a child to sort out gender, but it doesn’t seem like my daughter had a harder time with it than any other child her age.

Then we went to see the psycologist who would decide if I was worthy of treatment. My daughter states that «Mommy is a man» without hesitation. Later, the shrink tells me that I will always be a woman to the child because I am her mother. I know that my daughter doesn’t mix gender and parental role, so I try to object. My daughter is fully capable of thinking of me as her mother and a man. Then the shrink tells me that I should encourage my daughter’s belief that I am a woman. She doesn’t even have such a misconception, but the shrink refuses to listen. She could might as well told me to encourage the belief that the world is flat, that the sky could fall down, that red is green and green is blue.

Support Norwegian transgender doctor!

Those who has been reading here a while, know that the Norwegian GID-clinic has a monopoly and abuses their power. This has caused Esben Esther Pirelli Benestad, who is transgender zerself, to take action and help several people in need of treatment. Esben Esther is the best known transgender activist in Norway. Ze is now at risk of loosing zer licence to practice bacause ze helped one person to get mastectomy. This would be devastating for the norwegian transgender population, as several people are dependant of zer courage and will to help transpeople in need. I urge you to take action and sign the petition!

English translation:

I who sign this agree that:

1. Esben Esther acted on strong ethical gounds when he broke the law and that all charges should be dropped.

2. The GID-clinic’s national authority should be examined and questioned. They should only have monopoly on the surgically altering of genitals. Competent doctors should be made useful and more doctors should be taught trans-competence.

3. All gender/sex/body relted treatment should be on the gounds of the applicant, who should be treated individually. «The genuine» transsexual is a outdated theory and should be recognized as such. A variety of needs and ways of understanding gender should be included in the service of treatment.

Please sign!

Gendertrouble, lesbians and relationships

After reading Cheerful Megalomaniac’s post on lesbian (ex-)partners of transmen, I’m very happy that I’ve not had to deal with lesbians in that way. As mentioned before, I have a theory that it’s harder for women to accept transsexualism. And after reading the above mentioned post it seems like lesbians have an especially hard time with this.

You don’t find yourself a boyfriend, and then insist on seing him as a woman. That’s not how the world works, sorry girls. It is of course a bit complicated if you’re already in a relationship, but as Ryan writes ” No one should ever control someone elses coming out process”.

I’ve often felt happy that I was single while sorting things out and coming out of my “double closet”. To tell you the truth, I’m often happy that I’m still single. That might change once I start taking testosterone…

Reasons I once had not to transition (warning: sexist etc.)

1. A woman is a woman is a woman. The notion that your sex is your destiny. Biology is everything.

2. All women want to be men. Feminism is just a way to cover this up. Those who transition is just weak. All female femininity is just an act. We all have penis-envy.

Of course, this was true for me, but not everyone else – far from it.

3. A femalebodied person who wants to be a man and have issues with her body is just a victim of the patriarchy and the beauty industry. Feminism will teach her how to achieve inner peace.

4. Transsexual men are all heterosexual (as in attracted to women). That means I’m not transsexual. They are also very macho and into cars and beer. I’m an intellectual with a taste for white wine and books.

5. Transsexuals don’t have kids. Transmen would never be penetrated by another man, and certainly not in their vagina. I’ve no problems with that, and got a child that way. So I couldn’t possibly be trans.

6. Transsexuals verify gender roles and sterotypes. Of course, that was not my cup of tea.

7. A gay transman would be of no interest sexually to other gay men because he lacks a penis.

Happily this is not the case. Especially bi-sexual men seem to be more open and able to percieve you as you do youself. And even some gay men won’tbe discouraged by your lack of penis, or later; the size of the one you have.

8. The first words of a transsexual boy is «I’m a boy, not a girl. And I don’t like to wear dresses».

That last one still bothers me a bit, mostly because it seems to bother my therapists…

The rest of the reasons turned out to be misperceptions and bullshit. I really want to be out in every setting possible to prevent anyone from believing those half-truths, like I did for many years. I was misinformed, also by other transpeople, and it caused me a great deal of pain. It takes some effort not to be bitter about this. I really try.

I’ve discovered that the only thing of importance is that I percieve myself as a man and wants to be one. Transmen come in a great variety.

I’ve got snails in my hands

soft bodies with eggs and sperm

in one shell

like I have two genders in my skull

one for the past

one for the future