"I only like the real stuff"

Posted: søndag 7 september, 2008 by Tarald in GLBT, My transition
Tags: , ,

That’s what he said. And it came casually, like it wasn’t directed at me specifically. But I think it was. Not that I had come on to him or anything. Yes, he is good looking, but that attitude; that of course I want to have sex with him, is just a total turn-off to me. He had just told us about his new boyfriend, and there is now way I want to intrude on a happy monogamous relationship.

Since it came out so casually there was nothing I could say. I told myself that there was no need to feel hurt. He just revealed himself as a big jerk. It had nothing to do with me. And I prefer people to spell things out, to be clear from the start. So really; no need to take it personal and get hurt.

I guess it hurts because I suspect that a lot of people feel the same way. It hits me in a soar spot that I’m not concidered «the real thing», or at least my private parts isn’t, and that it is true. That’s the thing that hurts the most. And I guess it’s just something I have to accept and try to move on.

Kommentarer
  1. Nina V sier:

    «Yes, crawl! Freak! In the sewers with you so I don’t have to see, hear, smell or even think about you and the questions you raise about my own gender stereotype, identity, relationship to sex and my own body!»

    I’ve also been met with such words. Some friends say I am too understanding and that I take people too serious when I start explaining in the effort to make consensus, a mutual understanding and a mutual language on the topic(s).

    What should I feel? They are also products of their own ignorance and misdirection. Should I bother, even if I know that it wear me down a little bit, drop by drop, making dents in my strength against demeaning definitions and angles, like not being the «real» thing.

    Tarald, like U2 sing, «Even better than the real thing»! Live with it.

    I am not thinking about sex, not thinking about aesthetics, not thinking about how well we might be, but that we make the world change to the better. Opening doors to self realization, dreams and deeper understanding simply by our existence.

    Tiresome, demanding, «unfair» where forgiving is a requirement.

    I used many years finding myself. I had many things clouding my search. After understanding was it still years of gathering angles and perspectives. People need time to think, the less they think, the more time they need and thinking less is what many do.

    It isn’t OK. Not all the time. Being me and very passable along with a good face, does it make me nervous when out clubbing, dancing and meeting new people that know nothing about me. «You’re not real!», «think I am gay?! Get away from me!»…of course, I always tell before I even get remotely intimate. I imagine if I didn’t.

    I fear violence, probably unrealistically much so, but it only require once to end things badly. That is my problem along with the stereotypes, fear and uncertainty many got about their sexuality, identity, body, biology and language. All things that is self-enforcing more of the same. Like religious fanaticism, where doubts are illegal, sinful, signs of evil and worthy of some serious punishment, in this world or the fabled next. As if we ever can be omniscient, although we should have been, but that we are not, of course.

    Even better than the real thing. Unnatural? Anyone think that our societies, food, thinking is somehow nature based independent of circumstances?

    Forget about real as a standard for natural. It doesn’t make sense. Forget about being natural, we can’t achieve that and that is nothing about being transgendered or anything else. «Naturally did I…», NO!, not naturally, no universal truth is sitting on your shoulder and make what you did more natural than what they do elsewhere, even if what those others do is different.

    However, to improve things, do we need to change something. Improvements require something…different to happen. The first improvement requires a strangeness and a unusual value to it. Improvements demands something being strange from the norm. Been like this for thousands of years.

    Common sense…isn’t. Still we want to cling to how it was, because change hurts, even if it is just from learning. Improving the self can be lonely work, though, full of traps, with need of much willingness and discipline to start over.

    Many are not so used to such an idea. Some feel it as a betrayal of their parents, their integrity, their «rules» and «truths» to ever go back on their word by changing opinion. Thus, fanaticism, traditions and absurdities ensues.

  2. Tarald sier:

    Thank you!
    This was one of the few incidents where I got hurt. Generally I feel respected for who I am, and sometimes admired as well. As a person formerly known as a woman I guess I should be happy not to be made a sexual object. Well, like my ex-boyfriend said: «It’s nice to be a sexual object once in a while».😉

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