Why did it take me so long?

Aaron H. Devor has written an article called Witnessing and Mirroring: A Fourteen Stage Model of Transsexual Identity Formation in Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, 8 (1/2), 41-67. I recommend it. It’s well written and quite easy to understand.

The article got me thinking again about why I didn’t realize my transsexuality at a younger age. I try not to regret it, not to be bitter, but it’s hard. Time after time I was told at the Norwegian Gender Clinic, that if I just had realized throughout my childhood and at least puberty; then I would have fit the transsexual box. Then I would have gotten the treatment that I need. So why was I so stupid that I didn’t understand what was wrong with me?

1. Cildhood. Nobody ever tried to push me into a girl-role. I was just me and didn’t get much trouble for it.

2. Puberty. Too much happened at the same time in my life. My family moved when I was 12 and I didn’t make any friends. I’m still not sure as to why, but probably my failure to be a proper girl did have something to do with it, along with a lot of other reasons.

3. Books. So for the next 6 years I lived my life in the books. I forgot I had a body. That didn’t matter when reading anyway. A Norwegian author named Elin Brodin had a lot of «female» protagonists falling in love with gay men. I identified strongly with those «women» and bought their rejection of altering their bodies in any way. If they could live like that, I could too. As soon as I grew up and could move away to a city.

4. Sexual orientation. I always knew I liked guys. And for a long time my sexual identity overruled my gender identity. At the same time I was unable to see myself as a straight girl. I felt like a gay man, but everyone and everything told me that was untrue. All the transmen I saw in the media was really macho and presumably heterosexual. If I had to like girls to be a transsexual man, then I had to be a girl, although I didn’t feel like one. Thanks to Lukas for revealing that transmen can be gay too!

To deal with this I have two options:
1. To blame myself and my past. I should be angry at my parents for accepting me as a child, be angry at myself for taking refuge in the books and hating myself for being gay.
2. To blame the image for transsexuals that I was presented and still have to fulfill to get diagnosis and treatment.

I’ve always preferred outward anger to inward anger; hate the world rather than myself. Until I can get to a point of peace, I will continue so. Inward anger is the path to destroying myself. I refuse to blame myself for not having enough problems in my childhood and puberty. Outward anger is hopefully the path to destroying the GID-clinic and the narrow concept of transsexualism.

See also:

Reasons I once had not to transition

T-boy Jacky: I was never  tomboy

Matt Kailey

7 tanker på “Why did it take me so long?

  1. I think the people at your clinic are misinformed. One does not need to have taken steps in childhood toward a trans identity to qualify as having «gender identity disorder.» Do they refer to WPATH?

  2. I did ask them if they required a «transsexualism in childhood»-diagnosis, but they said «no, no really». I’ve made a formal complaint for not giving me a proper reason for turning me down. We’ll see how that goes.

    They did not refer to WPATH, probably because they are aware that they are violating the Standards of Care. I’ll make a complaint to WPATH too when I get the time. It’s a shame that the WPATH-conference is held in Norway next year, so I think they have the right to know how things work here.

  3. It’s ironic that the conference will be held there and this one clinic goes against their standards.

    I’m confused about your situation though . .. I thought you started testosterone already . . .?

  4. Yes, I did, but not through the gender clinic. There is one doctor who sees how bad the gender clinic is and does what ze can to provide care to transgender patients. It’s not clear if I can get any surgery outside the gender clinic. I know a MTF who got tesicle cancer due to the gender clinic’s malpractice, as they refused any treatment for her, leaving her on just hormones for 8 years. I just hope that doesn’t happen to me (ovary cancer, breast cancer etc. in my case).

  5. First, I love your blog. We live different lives, but I learn loving about all kinds of poeple from all over the world.
    Just because someone is a doctor doesn’t necessarily mean they are wise. Any big change is life is done in different time frames by different people. Personally, I believe slower decision making, especially life-altering, leaves you more wiggle room if you decide to do things differently than originally planned.
    Thanks for all your honesty!

  6. Thanks for this!

    I’m a young transman who is considering my options for transition. Many of the men I know transitioned by the time they were in their early 20’s. I’m only 24, but nonetheless, I still feel left out sometimes. Much of what you write about mirrors my own experience.

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