I met an aquintance of a friend of mine today. Usually when I meet new people, I drop some comment, a hint, that I am trans. Today, after realizing that nobody questioned my maleness, I decided not to, even when we talked about how I was always reading when I was a kid, or when we talked about my book.
It was nice to get to talk about something else for a change. Usually, my hints and comments result in a lot of questions, and I am usually ok with that. I like to enlighten people about trans-issues. I guess I just have had enough with the speak I gave at Jafnadr (Nordic Queer Youth Festival) this week and the speak I will be giving at EuroPride.
I recent the opinion that transpeople have a duty to reveal our past to everyone. It should not be a duty, but something one does out of conviction, a step in trying to make this a better world for all trans-people.
This day gave me a peak into the world of stealth living. It was ok because I most likely will not meet the person in question again. I see being open (and extremely so) as my insurance. I do not want to be in a situation where a person that I have gotten close to do not know. That would feel very awkward and lay more importance on my transness than I really think it deserves. I also prefer to be honest and to not watch myself and be extremely self-aware to prevent my tongue from slipping. Besides, it could possibly become quite dangerous. I suspect that a majority of transphobic crimes happen in such situations, not randomly on the street.
I am starting to realize that nobody see me as female any more. The testosterone seems to have helped a lot, even if I do not see (or hear) any big changes. A guy at the Jafnadr was clearly taken by supprise when I told him I am trans. He said he would never have guessed. I is a strange feeling. Just a few months ago it seemed so far away. I am getting closer to the point where I can relax in my maleness without being questioned. And closer to the point where I could go stealth if I wanted to. Or maybe I am already there.
Now my challenge may not be to come out to prevent people from seing me as female, but to come out to really deal with transphobia and lack of knowledge. It is a lot harder. I guess I did not realize that to its ful extent until today.